No matter where we are...

it won't be long 'til we see each other again.

So I had a thought the other day, (well, a few weeks ago now…) sparked by a question my dad asked when we were camping a few weeks ago (now months… :D): so what is Hall's and your story? Few people in Cedar Rapids knew we were talking, let alone dating until we put it on facebook. Fewer know our story before that.

We met "officially" in the beginning of June when he came to the youth office to get a tub for the Mexico trip; but I didn't really know him until the first of the 8 Great Escapes, "stuff mania", a few days later. We were volunteering for jobs, and it just so happened that he and I volunteered for the same one, along with Matt McDowell. Stationed across from each other for over an hour while doing an almost mind-numbing task, there was little to do but talk; plus, I was there to get to know people. Time to start!

I don't remember it super well; all I remember is the feeling that getting information from this boy felt like pulling teeth. I didn't know anything about him, I didn't know what questions to ask to elicit a response, and so I vaguely remember feeling a tad awkward. I DO remember races with Matt and... I think Ariel (?) against the two of us, just to make things a little more interesting and quicker.

Sometime in those next few weeks I joined the Converse small group, an enjoyable group of students that met on Monday evenings. Hall, of course, also attended weekly--though he was in no way a motivational factor at the time. He intrigued me and I wanted to know more about him, but was definitely too quiet for me--plus more than 3 years younger. It would never work out.

Fast forward to July 9th. Mexico. Memories and friendships that will last a lifetime; what I consider to be the REAL beginning of my internship. Hall, of course, was also on the trip. He was one of the few with whom I had any sort of relationship at that point, which is why I asked to sit with him on the bus a day or 2 into the trip. He was still someone I wanted to get to know more, and he was sitting in a different part of the bus than I was; I wanted to move around and meet new people; share the wealth. :D

The foundation was set for relationships with almost every student there after that trip; some more than others of course, but no one or two people in particular. Hall was still just another member, just another friend. But a friend that, for some reason, I felt drawn to in a strange and unfamiliar way. Not obsessively, not inappropriately; not even romantically. Just drawn. He had a way of making me feel comfortable that I just can't explain in words; and I just couldn't get past the feeling that he has an incredible amount of patience when dealing with people.

The day after we got home, we had the bus cleaning party. Hall, though late, attended. We cleaned the bus and the SUV, then I took everyone for ice-cream, on the church. Most people left straight from there, but there were five of us that walked back to the church and had no plans. I carried a deck of cards with me at all times in case of emergencies, so I offered to get it and we could play ultimate spoons--it's like spoons, but instead of the spoons being set in the middle of the circle, they're hidden. And we used knives instead. Plastic ones. :D This became a weekly tradition for whoever wanted to come; every Monday we would meet at 4, play ultimate knives, eat some food, and go to Bible study at 7.

In July, right after the Mexico trip, I was looking at his facebook notes, trying to learn more about him. I found a poem he had written full of metaphors; still knowing very little about him, I didn't know what to make of it. So of course, I facebook messaged him about it. And he responded. And I responded. And he responded. And I responded. Are you noticing a pattern? :D

In messaging, we began talking about relationships. One blog post he wrote is a brief history of his dating experiences, and in some ways I was healing again from a recently reopened wound. I needed someone to talk to for the sake of sharing my story, and I knew he would be a good listening ear. We met on Monday before ultimate knives, and I told him everything I could remember about my story; then he told me his: he dated a certain girl for a very short time, but she broke up with him for reasons he couldn’t explain; he fully expected, it seemed, for it to work out.

For some reason I felt disappointed. It confused and surprised me, but I pushed it aside and ignored it.

So there we were. Through July and August we had Wednesday nights, Monday nights, and hung out a great deal in the same circle of friends, as well as our facebook message conversation which was updated once or twice per week.

In the midst of that, we began planning the Middle School fall retreat which was to be in October. Hall was put in charged of coming up with a band; I volunteered to be a part of it. It took a few weeks, but we put together a team. Then after a few more weeks, we had a list of songs and began practicing.

Sometime in the beginning of September I decided that I wanted to go to the Amana colonies on my day off--Thursday. Even then there was no one person I was close to. When I wasn't in a group, I was alone. I ate most of my meals alone. I enjoyed the freedom very much, but to tell the truth, it was one of the loneliest times of my life. I knew people I could call to go to the Amanas with me, but school was in session and they were all in high school. Except for Hall. Who came with me. And brought his sister Gabbi. And it was a little awkward overall. It rained the whole day, and it was very, very cold. The two of them only came along for the sake of coming along, but the fact that we were only there for 2 hours and wet and freezing... I felt a little bad. But no one caught pneumonia and died, so we're all good. :)

When we got back to their house, we decided to watch a movie. Their mom, however, wasn’t home from work yet, and it’s best if they ask before inviting someone in. Wilson remembered that she said she would be home late, so it was pointless for me to wait around—plus it was cold! So I left and went to the church. For some reason I felt very sad. Instead of going straight in, I sat in my car and watched it rain for fifteen minutes or so; I think I even cried. It was a lot of things combined that made me feel that way, but mostly it was the disappointment of not spending another few hours with him. And that confused me as much as it scared me.

A week or so after that, Hall approached me with a heavy heart one Monday night after Converse. I still couldn't read him well, but I knew him well enough to know that something was troubling him very much. He waited for me as I locked up, and then asked a question I've possibly given more thought to than almost anything else I've encountered so far in life. "How are you so content to be single?" He was trying. We talked for an hour, but I wasn't satisfied at all with all I said. I proposed getting together on my day off to continue the conversation.

So three days later we went to Starbucks and talked. For several hours. Mostly, if I recall correctly, it was just me talking and him listening. For a change. ;) But a few days later I messaged him and asked if he wanted to do it again--but this time HE had to talk.

So began the Thursday tradition of Hall and me hanging out at coffee shops.

Around this same time, the Monday tradition of ultimate knives was dying. But there was always one person I could count on to be there, and it was almost always just the 2 of us... (do I really have to say who?) :D

Thanksgiving day was on my day off--obviously, it's always on a Thursday--but I had plans for Thanksgiving and he had to work. So we had to change our traditional Thursday afternoon to a Wednesday evening, due to youth group being cancelled. We met for coffee. Then we went to a movie. Then we went to Wendy's. Then we went to Wal-Mart.

When I got home I checked my email. Hall had sent me a facebook message telling me that there was something he wanted to speak with me about on Monday, and not to let him forget. I had a feeling I knew what it was, but I played along.

Hall came down to the basement on Monday like normal. Everyone had left the office already, so it was just the two of us, which was nice considering the anticipated nature of our conversation. I wasn’t sure how to go about it, so I simply asked what it was that he wished to discuss with me. He thought for a moment to decide how to word it, and said, “I’ve been… attracted to you since Mexico.” Wow. That came as a surprise. That he liked me was fairly obvious by that point; that it had been going on since Mexico floored me. I liked him too of course, but I didn’t know what we should do about it, if anything. After all, I was leaving in a matter of days, I’m more than 3 years older, and I live 8 hours away. I was just about to finish my college career, whereas he had yet to begin his.

There were lots of obstacles.

I was already planning on coming back to visit toward the end of January, due to a wedding I was to be in conveniently located 2 hours from Cedar Rapids. We decided that we should see how well we do at maintaining a long-distance friendship, then reevaluate the relationship when I come to visit in January.

Throughout the next 6 weeks, we talked almost daily for hours on end. When it came time to evaluate our relationship, to say that we were dating—a couple, whatever you want to call it—was only natural; there was no change in our relationship, only the title.

Now, here we are almost 7 months later, happy as we could be for being 8 hours apart… and in a nutshell, that’s the story morning glory. :)

Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France.

Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance...

So it's been more that 3 months since my last post, and I've been sleeping an awful lot lately, so I'm not tired yet. I guess it's time for another one!

So the big thing that's been on my mind recently is the image of God. What does it mean to be made in His image? Have you ever really thought about it? Sure, the Bible says in Genesis that He created man in His image; male and female, He created them. But it never really defines that...

I hold to the belief that the idea that we were created in His image is that we have souls. Every single human being has one, and we are the only species that was given one. If any one thing makes us human, I would say that's it.

But what does it matter? A human is a human; why would anyone think any differently?

Because the view you hold on this will directly influence your thoughts about the physically or mentally impaired, and what rights they should have; it will affect the view you hold on abortion; it will challenge your thoughts and actions towards people that are different from you.

It matters because what happened just decades ago in Germany is something that could happen again. The pitiless slaughter of millions of people happened because a nation was led to believe that a certain race was less than human, and responsible for the de-moralization of society. It matters.

And on that light note, it's time for bed. :)

Time together isn't ever quite enough.

When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home.
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time.

Owl City. I'm a fan. :D

So funny story. Less than an hour ago I was talking with Bri about love languages. She was telling me how she and Matt both have the highest of physical touch, but even so, he hates pda. He won't hug or kiss her in public, and even has issues holding her hand. I thought this was funny; I hate pda as well. It's one of my biggest annoyances. Yet hand holding, that's not something that bothers me at all. I told Bri that, but I see his point with anything else, couples being coupley in public really irritate me. Then I came into Coffeesmiths. Guess what? There were 2 young teenage couples, sharing chairs, being coupley. And the only available table with an outlet? Happened to be the one less than 10 feet from them. Awesome.

Oh life's little ironies...

So I'm leaving in... 5? days. I feel like it might as well be tomorrow, it'll go that quickly... it's amazing how fast this has gone. I remember when I had only been here for 2 months, someone was sad because I was that much closer to leaving. I made the statement that I was only 1/3 done, I still had a ways to go. But they were right. It flew...

Tonight I guess I have a surprise party. I love how bad high schoolers are at keeping surprises... :D But I've made sure to not ask for details, so I don't know too much about it yet. But I'll find out real soon... :)

You know what? I almost like that I get no comments, that very few people read this. I've kind of been using it like a journal of sorts anyways... so it's more personal this way. And I've decided to not message my group any longer about updates. Starting now. So if you're the first to read this, you win a prize! (No, I don't know what it is yet. It's dependant on the person.) :D

The end.

Love. :)

I thank God...

For this day. For the sun in the sky. For my mom and my dad. For my piece of apple pie. For our home on the ground. For His love that's all around. That's why I say thanks every day!
Because a thankful heart is a happy heart. I'm glad for what I have, that's an easy way to start! For the love that He shares 'cause He listens to my prayers. That's why I say thanks every day!

Hey. It's Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? I'd like to know.

I'm thankful for my parents. For my sister. For my friends from home. For my friends from Huntington. For my friends from New Covenant. I'm thankful that I'm going home in less than 2 weeks. For the 26 weeks I've had here so far. For plans to return in the future. For the semester left of college. I'm thankful that my parents are supportive. That I have choices after I graduate. I'm thankful I got to spend all day with Shannon. That we're getting coffee together tomorrow. That I have the house to myself all weekend. I'm thankful for a place to sleep. For food every day. For loud fans and open windows. I'm thankful I have a working car. For the heater. For the CD player. For the brakes. I'm thankful for love. Christ. Discipleship. Sacrifice. Victory. Grace. Mercy. I'm thankful that God is good.

You are far, far from where my feet were going...

But with you I'm fine not knowing. So take my hand, take my love, and all the things I'm sure of.

So I graduate from college in less than 6 months (yikes!!!)

You know how I don't know what my next step is? And how I've been seeking God's will for that next step, looking for certainty and clarity and stuff?

I think I'm doing it wrong.

I realized 2 things last night as I was falling asleep; firstly, that though I've been seeking His will for my life, deep down and unknowingly, my set condition has been that I want to be happy. God, what's Your plan for me that will make me happiest? That's the direction I want to go. If I'm not happy, I'm probably doing something wrong; I've probably messed up His plan somehow. But no, I don't think I can mess up His plan. In fact, He's promised me that I cannot. He's never promised that I'll be happy. Don't get me wrong, I don't anticipate a life full of misery and despair... but it will have it's unpleasant moments. I can count on that. I know joy, I know that as long as I follow Him I will continue to know joy. If I don't have the happiest life? If everything goes terribly wrong? He's much bigger than any problem I could ever have. Praise the Lord! All glory to Him.

Secondly, I've been asking God to make it clear. I want to make the right choices for my future, I want to make sure that my life is something He can use, something that's pleasing and good in His sight.

But I've already been promised that. He WILL use me and it WILL be good. God doesn't go back on His promises, does He? Never. Never ever.

I have not been promised certainty. In fact, what's asked of me is just the opposite. Our God requires faith. Faith that He is. Faith that, whatever happens, it's for His good. Faith that, whatever decisions we make, they can be used for His purposes. Faith that His promises will come true. Faith. Never certainty.

If I base everything I do on certainty, where's room for faith?

You say "Rest here, this is your home. Don't you see that you knew I was here all along?"

Wow. WOW. Twenty days left until I leave. Nineteen days until I teach for the last time. Eighteen days until I'm "officially" done with PRIME. W. O. W.

I can't believe how quickly it's gone by. It feels like I just got here.

Ok. Enough of that. There's time for it later. In 19 days.

We just had our Sr. High fall retreat this last weekend; it was so good. The entire thing was about making connections, focusing on the one another verses and on us as the Body of Christ. Cai from HU came to provide worship (which was AMAZING, btw.) and about 12 sponsors and students shared their testimonies with the group throughout the 3 days. It was so cool to see how God worked through them--the testimonies, the worship, and just the students themselves-- and how He used their time and inclusiveness to allow them to build one another up. I got the chance to meet some new people and to strengthen some already existing relationships, and it was wonderful.

This weekend--well, tonight--we have the equipping staff and elder and deacon retreat... I really don't know what to expect, but hopefully it'll be a good learning experience for all of us. And then tomorrow, Luke comes to evaluate me on Sunday. Eeep! I'm not too insanely nervous about it, which is a miracle in itself... so I'm just praying and hoping for the best!

Anyways, things are still good. I'm trying to make the most of every moment I can, knowing my time left here is short. I'm gonna have some difficult good-byes in the near future... :( and some very easy hellos. :)

Amanda

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face; and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

So here's the deal: I've been thinking again. Sorry.
This WILL jump around all over the place. Fair warning.

Spirituality. What is it?

"Christian spirituality is not a journey into self as if spirituality is found in the deep recesses of our nature, hidden inside of us, waiting for release. No, true Christian spirituality is the embrace of Jesus, who, united to God, restores our union with God that we lost because of sin. This is how the ancient church understood God's embrace." -The Divine Embrace, 127

I will never complete myself. No matter how much I discover about me, no matter how hard I try, on my own steam I'll never be enough.

I think all too often we ask God, "What's in it for me?" We need to know how it will benefit me, and we won't take another step until we find it out. Do you see the problem here?

Real spirituality is not asking what I can get. It's asking "what can I give?" Instead of looking for what we can gain, it's looking for how we can serve.

It's not looking to me (or yourself) for the answers.

I'm human. I fail. I was created to be perfect, yet in my human weakness I fall down every day. I don't have the answers, I never will. I cannot make it on my own strength; I'm weak. I try to hide it, pretend like I've got it all together... but I don't. And I never will.

See, I can't put "it" together. I've tried, every once in a while when I'm not attentive I try again. And every time, it falls apart. Without fail.

But God has offered me His strength. How foolish I am to think that I could go for even one second without it! How can I forget that it's only because of Him that I'm here in the first place, that I'm breathing, that I can think, walk, talk... live! How selfish I am. As if it were all about me, my needs, what I want...

And yet, if (and when) I should falter, how selfish of me that I would internalize the guilt, focusing on myself and my sin and my failure and my pain and my sorrow. I fell; God will pick me back up, dust me off, dry my tears, embrace me once more, and whisper in my ear "I forgive you. I paid for your sin, you are pure and blameless in my sight. I love you my child. There is nothing you could ever do that would cause me to stop loving you." He loves me. A sinner. Incomplete, completely dependant, selfish me. And He will for always. And I cannot change that.

His grace covers me. I've been steeped in sin, yet I'm drenched in grace.

He is mighty, powerful, pure, good... and so many other describing words, I could fill up this page a million times and be nowhere near describing how awesome He is. He is worthy of my praise, worthy of my attention. Nothing else. Him. I have to wonder, what would it look like if I lived like I believe this at all times?